Sunday, February 21, 2016

Trauma Turned to Trust

For some of you, you’ve already heard of what happened this week.  But we wanted to share with you, our friends of the favor and faithfulness of our God.  As you may have heard, Monday evening, Declan fell after climbing to the back of our couch to “walk” across the back of it, like a jungle gym.  (Yes, we’ve told him many times not to. )  But alas, this time it happened,  he fell.  Straight on the back of his head.  We have concrete under wood flooring.  We rushed him to NCH North where he received a Cat Scan. To our shock, it showed a fracture and bleed on his brain.  They immediately put in for him to be med-flighted to Joe DiMaggio Children’s Hospital in Hollywood, FL. where he would have pediatric neuro surgeons to evaluate him.  He was in excruciating pain but eventually slept prior to the flight.  The helicopter arrived close to 11:30pm.  To see these medics come into his room in a very serious manner not wasting anytime placing him on their stretcher was overwhelming.  Joe had already left to head over to the hospital as we were told one of us could fly with him.  As scared as I was to be on that thing in the air, I couldn’t imagine him being alone. I had to overcome my fear.  But then the medic informed us that I would  not be able to ride due to this being a different type of aircraft coming from the keys loaded with equipment.  He would go alone.  Without either of us. 

As we stood on the helipad tarmac seeing his tiny sleeping body tightly strapped in a gurney waiting to be placed on the helicopter before us,  I wept at the thought of him waking up having no idea where he was and where we were.  Oh my heart was screaming!  But there was no place for me.  I was insufficient.  I could only resign myself to surrender. Surrender my trust to the One who truly deserves it.  To His truth,  that He would be with Declan as he flew away into the darkness alone.  There was nothing in my power I could do. But there was nothing that God couldn’t do.  Declan was not alone. My God was with Him.  Watching him lift off, the immense sound of that huge aircraft, the force of wind pushing us back, seeing it slowly disappear into the night, was no less than horrific to my  Mama’s heart.  I was desperate for God to indeed keep His promises.  “I will never leave You, I will never leave Declan, nor forsake Him”.   And He did not. 

Joe & Wyatt came back for me. My parents followed.  As we drove, let’s just say “quickly” the 1 ½ hours drive to catch up to him,  I was emotional exhausted.  Finally, the hospital called us once they landed and we were able to hear Declan’s voice on the phone.  He DID wake up.  Right away as the props wound up.  And he was awake the whole time!  We asked, “Were you scared? Was it ok?”  He said, “It was ok...Loud...I just saw black outside the windows, but not scared.”  His voice sounded as though they sedated him. Calm, slow, sleepy but definitely not scared.  No weeping, wailing, and no sedating was needed. He remained still throughout the flight. Our little boy was still.  Only God’s power and presence could be able to give calm to our very strong and expressive little boy.  Only the Peace Giver.  My heart was overwhelmed that the worst fear of not being the one to hold him, protect him was extinguished, yes that firey arrow of the enemy had no power over that moment, over my child’s heart.  I had to admit, I was humbled to my place before the Almighty God.  Declan’s ultimate and perfect Father.     

He was lethargic for the next couple of days with vomiting and an extreme headache from concussion.  They did a “Fast MRI”  which showed that the bleed did not increase.  This was great news.  The neuro surgery team felt comfortable to let him go home with the fracture and sub dermal hematoma bleed which they stated would dissipate on its own over time and the fracture would heal. We were finally discharged the afternoon of Wednesday.  The trial, the testing was over.  Our God provided. Our God saved. 

We are grateful, for the mercy and favor of our God.  For the “best case scenario” for Declan.  For the beautiful team of doctors, nurses and techs who cared for him throughout this time.  And for the many many many prayers lifted up through it all. 

Life happens.  And yes, with it comes trials. I’m not gonna lie and say “Bring it on, I look forward to it.” But through each experience this short life brings,  I will remember.  I will remember His hand holding my little son when I could not.  I will remember that God’s protection turned him in such a way that the impact could have been even worse, but it wasn’t.  And I will remember the very moment when I could feel that this trial was coming to a close and a new, better,  keen awareness of His presence was found in my heart and mind.  And for that,  I am grateful.  Yes, even for the trial.

We thank each of you who prayed for us and little Declan through this.   We are grateful especially for you.

A New 40something Journey

This is it! I'm here at 40 and I really feel good about it! I fought fought the idea of growing old each year, even holding tight at 30 for a few years. At least in my mind. I think it was because I felt. Like thee was so much I was suppose to have accomplished and wasn't ready to head down the other side of the hill of life.  I realiZed over the hill was at 50 but still, it felt like death was upon me. 

But then it came. Surrounded by a few great friends, a great meal, a beautiful family with smiling faces, we ushered in my new era. A new fresh chapter. And to be honest, it felt fabulous. Felt fabulous in the way that all my prior life's bumps and bruises didn't have to follow me into these new days of official maturity.  That was it! I was officially a wise woman. A woman with a wealth of knowledge and experiences that confirmed to me that I did at least for a moment feel like I am exalts who was meant to be!  

So on I go, into the wild blue yonder of feeling comfortable in my skin. Being the oldest in many circles I may partake. Being a woman in the know. Funny...I probably could have felt this way along the way to a point but the lingering doubt of adolescents and youthful folly seems to repeat in my ear, "you aren't qualified yet!" Qualified yet for what, I wasn't sur but I assume, I qualified to have an important part in the contribution to the circles I engaged in.  

But now, it is a brand new existence of promise.  My promises to myself, to be good to me. To be patient. To laugh at the imperfections and sigh over the silly this to come.  Ultimately, this is a new chance to well...relax and not take myself so seriously.  Ahh, the sound of that is so calming. So reassuring to my mind. To be able to exist and just be. Be the me I was created to be. 

This brings me to the sweetest part of this transformation of life.  I can rest in wing that my Great and mighty God has brought me safe thus far and just asthe hymn says, and safe he will lead me home!

In The Air

Travels with kids. Can make for some of the best memories or some of the worst moments of sheer torture.  The word I would use to prevent these chaotic moments is, Grace.  Tons of it. And most coming from me and for me most of the time. Not to say that I consistently choose grace in the midst of unbearable stress and often times anger, but when I do, the moments seem to last shorter and arise less frequently.  Perhaps its not that the situations that would present opportunities to show just how well I can rip into a cashier, waitress or flight attendant become less.  But it could be, my emotional triggers just don't well, bother me as much, when I choose grace.

To be honest, I don't think the word itself can fully describe the transformation that happens internally when I make the decision to choose grace in a circumstance where my all too capable mouth could chose to destroy every available heart that is in ear shot.  But rather, the word grace is a living aspect of God's character and so it provides a variety of helps in the midst of my utter distress.  The grace found when I am attempting to provide a beautiful memory for my kids while traveling to fun and exotic ports like Grandma's house in NC or to the grand addiction that is Disney World is when I relinquish control.  That's it, control.  Control over the timeliness of those who are providing a service, control over the people and traffic that seem to drive 10 mph or more under the speed limit when I need to arrive at the specific time I planned us to arrive. Or control over my children's every action and reaction in the midst of my accomplishing my mission. I want control. I want it MY way.  There it is. All the variables of existence whether in traveling or daily agendas, just won't play by my rules.   And that makes me angggry!

But nobody, I mean absolutely no one played by God's rule when Jesus came.  But His travel plans weren't thwarted because of the surrounding company.  His countenance, behavior and mood were not determined by the condition of the moment.  He walked in perfect grace, grace that was not determined by others actions, but rather by the acceptance in trusting  that His circumstances were already determined by His Heavenly Father.  And in lies the key to grace, walking in perfect grace.  The antithesis of grace is selfish demand.  Demanding of control,  particularly outcomes and for particular schedules to fit MY desires, my demands.  

So, as I sit next to my son on the plane heading to NC. After a day of rushing 2 Hours to the airport, fussing about too many bags, getting through that wonderful experience called the security gate,  I reflect upon the grace that is ever available to me to take refuge in. Perhaps not physically finding a refuge away from the daily grind, but definitely a spiritual, emotional and mental refuge. Grace is ever present for the taking.God's grace.God's handling, planning, and ultimate control over my plans. Travel or otherwise. Though his plans may be unfolding through lessons learned in stressful moments. There is rest available.  That is,  resting in the unknown, in the variables that may come. But resting in accepting that what may come, is exactly what God allows. 

  So it's my choice to give and remain in grace, not in my control but in my Heavenly Fathers perfect will, His control. And there I will find myself in precious and perfect company, along side my beautiful grace-filled Savior Jesus. 

Sunday, December 28, 2014

A New Adventure of Health and Welness....Coming Soon!  Stay Tuned!!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

My Son's Security

I've alway been the type to over analyse everything I do or say to the point that I almost forget exactly what the original point was.  I do this often with my mothering of my two sons.  Everyday I reflect whether what I did or what I said to them would either grow them towards the men God has for them to be or whether my actions and words will make for a longer road of self doubt and insecurity. 

I am to the very center, a "feeler". To every sense of the word, it defines how I function, with experiences, memories, conflict and the like.  I want to know all there is to be known for each situation.  How do I feel? How do you feel? How do they feel? Why do they feel that way?  Is it normal? Should it be analyzed? Fixed? Explained etc.  My husband is NOT a feeler in this sense of the word.  He is a doer, an In-the-moment kinda guy.  Not much reflection necessary.  Say what you mean, be direct and move on.  Ah, that sounds restful for a busy mind like mine.  I am noticing my son Wyatt is getting to an age where he's trusting his instincts more and asking alot of questions geared towards rooting out any dissengenuise motives or hippocracy.  I am not threated by this, rather I am completely challenged to meet his doubt head on.  If he asks, "Why?"  I quickly ask myself, does he have a reason to doubt me?  Then I reply with the usual "because I said so."  Little does he know that even in his young years, I do take his observations to heart.  I ask myself am I conducting myself in way that would draw out more doubt than a feeling a trust?  Has my past actions or words worn down the preverbial thick skin God gives to children.  I know there is a breaking point.  Usually it comes around puberty and the teen years but it seems that with my son's amazing intuition, I am seeing the importance of "keeping on one's toes" a bit earlier in parenting. 

The reality is, if I am not genuine in who I present myself to be to them, they'll figure it out all too quickly.  My absolute terror of being a reason for any later in life negative behavior is always at the forefront of my mind.  I read a fun Ecard that said "Behind every amazing child, is a mother thinking she's messing up."  So true! At least for this mommy.  The reality is "No, Mommy doesn't know the exact words to say to take away every booboo pain and feeling of inadequacy they will face."  My "hush hush Mommy's here might not always work someday." I will inevitably say the one comment that brings down the "Not Letting You In" emotional gate.   That preoccupation with "feeling" every aspect of an experience in order to know how to respond or behave just might have to be summed up to a complete and utter feeling of inadequacy for the task. 

So with this revelation in clear view, I resign to say (to myself mind you)  "YOU'RE RIGHT!  I DON'T have all the answers, the perfect Booboo-healing magic words!, I WILL dissappoint you. Somehow, even in this neurotic preoccupation of being whatever you might need, I may not be all you ever need."

In those moments where my mind and heart scramble for the perfect advice, attitude, action,   I must admit defeat...then lift my head up to fix upon the face of Him Who Can Never Fail.  He Who Gives Perfect Words that my sons can trust.  Hastening them to The One Who IS the Perfect Comforter, Encourager, Authority and Security for them. My utter reliance upon Christ Jesus and HIS character is exactly where I can find the perfect Words, Actions, Attitude and Behavior I will need for this swift season of being Mommy and for the days that I have left of being "Me".   

Monday, July 8, 2013

Being and Having a "Get You" Friend!

Oh how absolutely marvelous when you find someone who "get's YOU!"  That Sweetheart that understands what you say, what you mean and who laughs at your jokes even when they aren't all that funny.    They rally the troops for you, is the first one to cheer you on and the conversations....well that's just a real treat.   

When I get the wholehearted blessing and privilege to make a new "Get You" friend, I overflow with gratitude to the Lord.  Frankly for this ADD prone, over the top extrovert, who can blame the whirlwind many experience when engaged in a conversation with me!  But I will say,  there is something that I've always appreciated when meeting new people and having the chance to learn better who they are. The relief and ease felt when sharing in fellowship with a heart who is joyfully lighthearted in being transparent with their failings and weaknesses. Good Grief! What a relief! They give a relating comfort to any conversation of struggle, making sure that those around them know that they too are running their race to which they at times stumble and are laying aside every weight of sin in order to run with endurance. 

It's like they've just held up their "See I'm Running my race too" sign.   They've immediately become, Relatable.  We are on the same ground! Running our race. Facing and at times stumbling through the challenges.  

Through sharing with each other our burdens, failings and weaknesses, there is power.  The awe inspiring supernatural healing power of Christ. 
And He said unto me, "MY grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness! Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. "  2 Cor. 12:9 

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." 2 Cor 11:30 

2 Cor. 12:9, 2. Cor 11:30, Jam. 5:10

Friday, July 5, 2013

Oh where, oh where is my Confidence?

Have you ever noticed when looking at the night sky full of brilliant stars that when you attempt to stare at a star alone, that, it seems to dim immediately.  Then you look away, and take in the full night sky and that one particular star, starts to shine brighter again. Weird? As if, it knows it's place is a part of the fullness of the sky, and it is then that it shines brightest and you see it more clearly.  

I find myself thinking alot about where my confidence lies. Unfortunately it doesn't always lie where it should. Sometimes I think I have found it. Perhaps on a day when I have a fresh hair cut or when an outfit from my closet actually fits.  Can I get a witness?

But on those day, this all too illusive "confidence" once again gets up and disappears. I usually end up trying to figure out where it went!  This is the all too absent, "self-confidence".  

The reality is...this is not confidence at all.  It is self preoccupation. Focusing on self.  Confidence on the other hand is what the Psalmist proclaims, "I put no confidence in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory" "In God we make our boast ALL day long, we will praise Your name forever!" My confidence is in the consistent (ALL day) assurance and adoration (we will praise You) given to my Heaven Father and HIS perfect abilities.  If I spend one ounce of my strength searching for confidence in my own abilities, I will never find it.  

Just like with the little star, I have to keep my eyes from focusing on myself and continue to stay gazing at the glorious fullness of God.  Only then will I see clearly the brilliance of God's design for my life.

Ps. 71:5, Ps. 56:4, Ps. 44:6, Gal. 5:10