Wednesday, September 11, 2013

My Son's Security

I've alway been the type to over analyse everything I do or say to the point that I almost forget exactly what the original point was.  I do this often with my mothering of my two sons.  Everyday I reflect whether what I did or what I said to them would either grow them towards the men God has for them to be or whether my actions and words will make for a longer road of self doubt and insecurity. 

I am to the very center, a "feeler". To every sense of the word, it defines how I function, with experiences, memories, conflict and the like.  I want to know all there is to be known for each situation.  How do I feel? How do you feel? How do they feel? Why do they feel that way?  Is it normal? Should it be analyzed? Fixed? Explained etc.  My husband is NOT a feeler in this sense of the word.  He is a doer, an In-the-moment kinda guy.  Not much reflection necessary.  Say what you mean, be direct and move on.  Ah, that sounds restful for a busy mind like mine.  I am noticing my son Wyatt is getting to an age where he's trusting his instincts more and asking alot of questions geared towards rooting out any dissengenuise motives or hippocracy.  I am not threated by this, rather I am completely challenged to meet his doubt head on.  If he asks, "Why?"  I quickly ask myself, does he have a reason to doubt me?  Then I reply with the usual "because I said so."  Little does he know that even in his young years, I do take his observations to heart.  I ask myself am I conducting myself in way that would draw out more doubt than a feeling a trust?  Has my past actions or words worn down the preverbial thick skin God gives to children.  I know there is a breaking point.  Usually it comes around puberty and the teen years but it seems that with my son's amazing intuition, I am seeing the importance of "keeping on one's toes" a bit earlier in parenting. 

The reality is, if I am not genuine in who I present myself to be to them, they'll figure it out all too quickly.  My absolute terror of being a reason for any later in life negative behavior is always at the forefront of my mind.  I read a fun Ecard that said "Behind every amazing child, is a mother thinking she's messing up."  So true! At least for this mommy.  The reality is "No, Mommy doesn't know the exact words to say to take away every booboo pain and feeling of inadequacy they will face."  My "hush hush Mommy's here might not always work someday." I will inevitably say the one comment that brings down the "Not Letting You In" emotional gate.   That preoccupation with "feeling" every aspect of an experience in order to know how to respond or behave just might have to be summed up to a complete and utter feeling of inadequacy for the task. 

So with this revelation in clear view, I resign to say (to myself mind you)  "YOU'RE RIGHT!  I DON'T have all the answers, the perfect Booboo-healing magic words!, I WILL dissappoint you. Somehow, even in this neurotic preoccupation of being whatever you might need, I may not be all you ever need."

In those moments where my mind and heart scramble for the perfect advice, attitude, action,   I must admit defeat...then lift my head up to fix upon the face of Him Who Can Never Fail.  He Who Gives Perfect Words that my sons can trust.  Hastening them to The One Who IS the Perfect Comforter, Encourager, Authority and Security for them. My utter reliance upon Christ Jesus and HIS character is exactly where I can find the perfect Words, Actions, Attitude and Behavior I will need for this swift season of being Mommy and for the days that I have left of being "Me".   

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